I'm going to put the entire, nuclear apocalypse idea to bed for a while. I'll continue when I'm done with what I want to take on next...
Silence. For that brief moment in time, the entire country was muffled into a deep, ominous silence. The vast clouds of debris swirled about in the air, tossed around like rag dolls in the violent, forceful gust.
When the speeding metal death-cage which had contained over five thousand tons of highly radioactive material finally collided with it's ground target, it caused an explosion the likes of which the world had never seen, and would never be able to see again. It was the size of eight Hiroshima's, and the bomb had enough chemical reactants to melt your brain to goo just by standing too close to it, even before it had gone off. The war had been waged and won in less than one minute.
The devastating nuclear blast that had gone off that infamous day was supposed to be a cause for celebration; a victorious event that marked the fall of a sinister, tyrannical apartheid and the beginning of a compassionate, socialist utopia. Alas, the rebels had overlooked one crucial hole in their ingenious plan. They were dealing with one of the most powerful governments in the entire world. Setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital wasn't just setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital. It was setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital, and setting off all the other nuclear bombs, missiles and defense mechanisms in the Pentagon and the other secret underground CIA military operations. They unintentionally set off bombs made out of chemicals that no one had even heard of before. Do you know what a Hildago-ZT Bomb is? That's what I thought. Even the White House had a secret sub-atomic core powering most of Virginia, why do you think it was the richest state in America before the war? No one had to pay for electricity! It was a complete and utter monopolistic dictatorship.
Now, Virginia is not the richest state in America. Every state is equal. The racist, fascist government was torn down, brick by brick and no longer stands, giving way to an unparalleled amount of civil rule. The water is free, products are free, everything is free and no one needs to work. Sounds like the utopia was finally created right? Wrong. The states are equal because all American currency was incinerated in the hellish fires. The cash that still exists is considered null and void, and is only used by heathens to get high off of the inky, chemical smoke. The government is in ashes and the rebels are too. I had made a mention before of full civil rule. I must correct myself, because it can only be civil 'rule' if there is order. It is pure, utter, anarchy. People kill children for food, and rape women in the barely intact streets. The only safe havens are the convents that weren't destroyed by the bombs. Priests and nuns take care of families still clinging on to some set of values and innocence in a world plagued with murderous, dishonorable sociopathic killers, loose women, an unhealthy and unsupervised amount of alcohol and a bounty of drug-dealers and two-bit crooks. It is in one of these convents, in the small dockside city of Anchorsburg, California, that the first real hope of genuine good begins to flicker and glow. Kurdt Ryans was born in one of these isolated religious homes, and taught the ways of God and family. When he turned twenty one he had the choice of leaving home and trying to make it in a world that would not accept his gracious manner, or staying in the convent and serving the lord as a priest or monk. The choice he made may have saved the entire country.
I'm going to put the entire, nuclear apocalypse idea to bed for a while. I'll continue when I'm done with what I want to take on next...
Hey there Tim. First off, let me just say that this looks just a bit scary with such big paragraphs. EEK!
Now I should probably get on with the reviewing.
First off, I want to say that I’m going to have to be a little harsh with this review because this could definitely use some work and I’ll explain why throughout this review.
Silence. For that brief moment in time, the entire country was muffled into a deep, ominous silence. The vast clouds of debris swirled about in the air, tossed around like rag dolls in the violent, forceful gust.
When the speeding metal death-cage which had contained over five thousand tons of highly radioactive material finally collided with it’s ground target, it caused an explosion the likes of which the world had never seen, and would never be able to see again.
The war had been waged and won in less than one minute.
The devastating nuclear blast that had gone off that infamous day was supposed to be a cause for celebration; a victorious event that marked the fall of a sinister, tyrannical apartheid and the beginning of a compassionate, socialist utopia. Alas, the rebels had overlooked one crucial hole in their ingenious plan. They were dealing with one of the most powerful governments in the entire world. Setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital wasn't just setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital. It was setting off a nuclear bomb in the capital, and setting off all the other nuclear bombs, missiles and defense mechanisms in the Pentagon and the other secret underground CIA military operations. They unintentionally set off bombs made out of chemicals that no one had even heard of before. Do you know what a Hildago-ZT Bomb is? That's what I thought. Even the White House had a secret sub-atomic core powering most of Virginia, why do you think it was the richest state in America before the war? No one had to pay for electricity! It was a complete and utter monopolistic dictatorship
Hello there! I am here to review your piece, shall we?
Okay, so the introduction was rather telly, like a children story 'once upon a time...' I didn't even realise that the teller had an opinion until the second paragraph. Speaking of those, read around, people aren't used to such big paragraph here. Not normal; it scares them away. Break it up.
Also, this is what's supposed to make me want to read your story more than anything- you have to make it so interesting that I would simply have to read it. This doesn't really get the message that clearly. work on foreshadowing; make the ending more remarkable, with a big bang. Why country when you can write world? It would get me more interested.
One more thing, could you elaborate mor on your MC's character? It's clear enough that he's not the teller of the story, but I would like to know some of his qualeties. If you ever read 'the supernaturalist' you would understand, I think. They tell us right away [after describing the horror of the city] that the MC is good, that he is worth the readers' trust. Nobody wants someboy who was given all the good luck he could get [such as your character, what with being raised in such a good manner in such an awfiul world] and still be a horrible person. Make us like him as soon as you can. This is a good start, you can just add in '... who was raised by the ways of god... a very dicent fellow, nice, kind to everybody." Or whatever. My example really wasn't any good. Pick up the supernaturalist if you can. I think it'll help. Other than that, I liked it! It was interesting, despite what I said in the lines above, better yet, it was interesting, but no tenough. PM me when you continue, please. I'd like to keep an eye out for this one!
Good luck!!
ofir
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